Name That Charlie!

28Feb11

Now updated to include a fourth Charlie!

I just finished watching the epic & winning Charlie Sheen live interview on TMZ. I’m normally not a big fan of celebrity meltdown stories, but this one has captivated me, mostly because Sheen’s brand of crazy is so fabulously entertaining and there seems to be an endless pipeline of his “Sheenius” ramblings. But is he truly original, or is he channeling madmen of a previous era?

Here’s my pitch for a new game show: Name That Charlie! Contestants would be read a quotation and have to identify the Charlie of Record who said it: Manson, Bukowski, Barkley, or Sheen. As a test of concept, here’s a sample set of 25 30 quotations – offer your guesses in the comments! (No Googling allowed…)

1. “I don’t have burnout in my gearbox. I only have go.”

2. “I think people misinterpret my passion for anger.”

3. “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.”

4. “I’m probably one of the most dangerous men in the world if I want to be. But I never wanted to be anything but me.”

5. “I don’t create controversies. They’re there long before I open my mouth. I just bring them to your attention.”

6. “We are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom! Print that, people!”

7. “I ain’t got no magical powers and mystical trips and all that kind of crap. It’s kind of silly.”

8. “We’re not in Wonderland anymore Alice.”

9. “I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips.”

10. “Read behind the f***in’ hieroglyphics…this is cryptology.”

11. “Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live.”

12. “If somebody hits you with an object you should beat the hell out of them.”

13. “My motto now is that you must either love or you hate and you must do so violently.”

14. “When I go on the mountain and I say “Do it!”, it gets done. And if it doesn’t get done, then I move on it. And that’s the last thing in the world you want from me!”

15. “My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.”

16. “I got a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain!”

17. “Remorse for what? You people have done everything in the world to me. Doesn’t that give me equal right?”

18. “Resentments … are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.”

19. “You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

20. “Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them.”

21. “I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”

22. “I love New York City; I’ve got a gun.”

23. “I can’t judge any of you. I have no malice against you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is high time that you all start looking at yourselves, and judging the lie that you live in.”

24. “Never get out of bed before noon”

25. “”You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.”

26. “If people think I’m insane or they don’t think that what I’m saying is true, I have no interest in their retarded opinions. I’m gonna live my life the way I want, I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.”

27. “Bad taste creates many more millionaires than good taste.”

28. “Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.”

29. “I’m not your executioner. I’m not your devil and I’m not your God. I’m Charlie XXX.”

30. “I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie XXX. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

And as a bonus round, imagine this great sketch from The Ben Stiller Show remade with Sheen!



7 Responses to “Name That Charlie!”

  1. 1 Michael Crewdson

    Amazing effort. These are damn hard but I’ll give it my best.

    1. “I don’t have burnout in my gearbox. I only have go.” SHEEN

    2. “I think people misinterpret my passion for anger.” BARKLEY

    3. “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.” BUKOWSKI

    4. “I’m probably one of the most dangerous men in the world if I want to be. But I never wanted to be anything but me.” MANSON

    5. “I don’t create controversies. They’re there long before I open my mouth. I just bring them to your attention.” BARKLEY

    6. “We are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom! Print that, people!” SHEEN

    7. “I ain’t got no magical powers and mystical trips and all that kind of crap. It’s kind of silly” MANSON

    8. “We’re not in Wonderland anymore Alice.” BARKLEY

    9. “I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips.” SHEEN

    10. “Read behind the f***in’ hieroglyphics…this is cryptology.” SHEEN

    11. “Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live.” BARKLEY

    12. “If somebody hits you with an object you should beat the hell out of them.” MANSON

    13. “My motto now is that you must either love or you hate and you must do so violently.” SHEEN

    14. “When I go on the mountain and I say “Do it!”, it gets done. And if it doesn’t get done, then I move on it. And that’s the last thing in the world you want from me!” MANSON

    15. “My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.” BARKLEY

    16. “I got a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain!” SHEEN

    17. “Remorse for what? You people have done everything in the world to me. Doesn’t that give me equal right?” MANSON

    18. “Resentments … are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.” SHEEN

    19. “You can’t process me with a normal brain.” SHEEN

    20. “Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them.” BUKOWSKI

    21. “I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.” SHEEN

    22. “I love New York City; I’ve got a gun.” BARKLEY

    23. “I can’t judge any of you. I have no malice against you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is high time that you all start looking at yourselves, and judging the lie that you live in.” MANSON

    24. “Never get out of bed before noon” BUKOWSKI

    25. “”You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.” MANSON

    26. “If people think I’m insane or they don’t think that what I’m saying is true, I have no interest in their retarded opinions. I’m gonna live my life the way I want, I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.” SHEEN

    27. “Bad taste creates many more millionaires than good taste.” BARKLEY

    28. “Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.” BARKLEY

    29. “I’m not your executioner. I’m not your devil and I’m not your God. I’m Charlie XXX.” MANSON

    30. “I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie XXX. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” SHEEN!!!

  2. 3 41783

    Sorry, not going to indulge someone who won’t give answers. Here’s the Top 10
    1. Buk
    2. Manson
    3. Buk
    4. Sheen
    5. Bark
    6. Sheen
    7. Bark
    8. Buk
    9. Manson
    10. Sheen

  3. I wanted to wait on the answers so that people would have to scroll down in the comments. Here they are:

    1. Sheen
    2. Sheen
    3. Bukowski
    4. Manson
    5. Barkley
    6. Sheen
    7. Manson
    8. Manson
    9. Sheen
    10. Sheen
    11. Bukowski
    12. Barkley
    13. Sheen
    14. Manson
    15. Barkley
    16. Sheen
    17. Manson
    18. Sheen
    19. Sheen
    20. Bukowski
    21. Sheen
    22. Barkley
    23. Manson
    24. Bukowski
    25. Barkley
    26. Sheen
    27. Bukowski
    28. Barkley
    29. Manson
    30. Sheen

    Another bonus video:

  4. 6 Sebastian

    The Guardian did a similar quiz comparing Sheen to Qaddafi…
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/quiz/2011/mar/01/muammar-gaddafi-charlie-sheen-quiz


  1. 1 Charlie Sheen: Still a Cog in the Gossip Machine  | Celebrity Gossip, Academic Style

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